Parents struggling with frustrations about each other more than medical issues

After my visit with my parents Friday night, I again felt that their medical issues, while serious, are less of an immediate concern than their learning to get along.

The new medical issue is that Dad has a growth on his liver.  A biopsy to see if it is cancer is scheduled for 6/13.



Dad and Mom are extremely frustrated with each other for a variety of reasons.

Dad is not getting lunches or dinners the way he would like.  This has been a long term problem with no solution yet.  Mom does not make meals consistently.  Even though she says she will once in a while, she then does not.  Perhaps Mom does not help due to forgetfulness.  Perhaps because she tends to snack, and
thereby does not get hungry.  This also makes it harder for Mom to remember to take her pills.  Dad is willing to make his own meals, but when he has in the past, Mom complained that she should be making the meals.  So Dad feels he cannot win, and goes hungry.

Dad also is frustrated by the situation with the clutter.  They both have added greatly to the clutter in the house, but what bothers Dad is that in order to get Mom home from rehab, the requirement was that the clutter had to be out of certain areas so Mom could move her walker around.  Mom lets her
items get into that area.

Mom's memory issues are also hard for Dad.  Mom states items she will do, either to Dad or others, then does not.  Mom acts like Dad is lying when Dad tells her something she does not remember.  Dad has always valued honesty very highly.

It also hurt Dad emotionally when Mom was very mad because Dad has a growth on his
liver.  He did not choose to get sick.

For her part, Mom feels she is daily criticized.  She thinks Dad feels everything is always her fault.  It hurts her emotionally when Dad says that she does not do what she said she would.  The constant harsh tone of Dad combined with her own realization that she does not have the strength to do much anymore has caused Mom to go to tears on at least a couple occasions.

The above cause me to feel right now my parents' emotional health is more problematic than their physical health.  They still show in a variety of ways that they love each other, but they both seem to think the other would prefer they were dead.


So far the only surgeries scheduled are Dad's liver biopsy and cataract operation.  The liver growth was found with a CT scan. For his upcoming bladder surgery, rather than the surgery itself, Dad is much more worried about the recovery hospital room and his claustrophobia.

While Mom's memory seems to work better for negative things than positive things, they both have enjoyed the visits and calls they have been getting.